“Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."

 I think I have a better understanding of what love is now more than ever. It’s where or when you care about a person more than you care about yourself.  I care about Paul far more than I care about me, because I’m not sure when I will ever give a damn about myself in the first place. I know that I hurt him more than once but his forgiveness shows that he truly does love me, and that he wants us to work out.  He has also hurt me once or twice and I am willing to work this out with him, I haven’t been in too many relationships and I don’t know how they are supposed to work but this is how we are figuring things out for ourselves.  I admit I have no idea what I am doing sometimes, one minute I feel like Paul’s little puppet, the next he is right on his knees begging to see me.  I realize rereading that, it doesn’t sound healthy.  But today it really seemed a lot better, in the sense of talking with each other.  He knows how to get me to open up and usually say what I don’t want to say, but need to anyway, which is one of the reasons I fell for him.  He speaks and conversers very well, a trait I wish I had.  But  I’m stuck with the sexual side of things, I’m always the one to show him that  I want him,  I will straight up tell him that I want to ‘ fuck him’ and will get turned down 80% of the time.  It’s kind of depressing, but after what happened I don’t blame him for being a little stand offish.  It does hurt though, when he still tells me he loves me, still cuddles with me, will sleep with me at night, will call me to talk if he has something on his mind…  I just don’t get why this matters so much.  That’s where love comes in. You have to be patient and understanding of that other person.